[09/23/2025]

I write to myself. I write to make sense of myself, and my self. Yes, there is a distinction to be made. There are a lot of selves, actually. There's the Self that is inside you all the time, like a camera that's always running. There's the self that other people see, then there's the self that your loved ones and friends see. These three entities all exist at the same time, and in the same place, and also they are not present at the same times, or the same places. Isn't that interesting? the "Quantum Self." Being observed, a condition that changes the way a thing behaves. Complex, and fascinating.

I write to myself. I write to make sense of myself. I make art for myself, by myself. I didn't grow up doing the things I loved with other people. It's become a bad habit. I make music alone, and draw alone, and write alone (But who would wanna be present for that anyway?). I like the idea of me and another person sharing such an intimate time together, be it in conversation or silence, but we are truly sharing that time.

I'm scared that I'm going to feel alone forever. I'm going to be 27 this year. I have been in this state/region since 2013. I have two or three friends I see often. Way more that I chat with; only one that I see regularly. I have no childhood friends here, very few associates from school. I have been grafted to this place, and my stump and roots are still in Pennsylvania. Is this actually the source of the loneliness? Or do I just carry it with me everywhere I go?

The effect of the loneliness is compounded by my black existence. Earl sweatshirt comes to mind. On Chum, off his album Doris, there's a line: "Too black for the white kids and too white for the blacks..." That line always stuck with me, ever since I heard it more than a decade ago now. I'm isolated, in some middle space, a place between, where it feels like some people pass through, but no people stay in. At least, not by choice.

[End Log]